The unspoken shame that comes with feeling intense loss.

Sometimes I think I am crazy... like actually insane.  One week short of 7 months since I last snuggled Potato, and it hurts now more than ever.  I catch myself staring off into space, thinking about how cruel this world is.  How could it be so unfair? Why couldn't he have his full life? Why did he have to suffer? Did he even know how much I needed him?

The biggest battle of it all is the battle of my mind.  I've lost many people in my life - my grandpa, my grandma, an aunt, an acquaintance, a few friends, a dance team member, a childhood friend, even a couple very close friends.  All these losses hurt in different ways.  In all cases my mind went to dark places and the internal pain was intense. But in all cases, there was always one thing that helped settle the mind, helped numb the pain, and helped ease the soul... and that was the ability to be able to talk to others that related to the loss.

Whenever I have lost someone in my life I have always had someone by my side feeling the same loss, understanding the same pain, and missing the same memories. Losing Potato is different; he is not a person, he's an animal. There is some false sense of shame that comes with mourning the loss of a pet so deeply. There's a fear that people won't understand. There's a fear that people won't relate.  There's a fear that people will think I am crazy... and maybe I am.

Every day is a struggle.  The tears still come and the pain still takes the air out of my lungs.  Often when I find myself hurting, I hide.  I find the nearest bathroom, I wait until I am alone in the car, I sneak out of the room and act like I have something to do or somewhere to go.  I have gotten good at hiding the pain.  In those hidden moments my world flips upside down.  The tears flow uncontrollably, my lungs tighten, and the words "hopeless and alone" take a whole new meaning. 

I can't explain that feeling.
I can't even talk about that feeling.
The best I have been able to do is write about it.

I have hope that someday the pain will go away. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but it has to someday.  How could losing a pet tear me apart so badly? How could this crash my world?  There is more to come and life keeps pushing forward; I have to find my way through this. 

I just wish I could ease my mind and settle the emptiness inside.